May 28, 1999   13 Sivan 5759

Taking Back Our Youth
Can Jewish parents counter the destructive messages from the mainstream?

Rabbi Brett Isserow has no weapons in his home and tries to make sure his
7-year-old girl and 3-year-old boy are not exposed to violent TV programs
or videos. Yet, his son comes home from his Jewish preschool pointing play
guns and shooting.
"Our culture is having an influence on our kids," says Isserow, associate
rabbi at The Temple, "whether we want them exposed or not.
Rabbi Isserow is not alone in his concern. Political and religious leaders
are sounding the alarm of a "national cultural emergency" in the wake of
the shootings at Colorado's Columbine High School last month and at metro
Atlanta's own Heritage High School last week.
Drive-by shootings, gang activity and violent crime used to be the province
of inner-city teens. Now, the proliferation of weapons and their easy
access have enabled teens from suburban and rural neighborhoods to act out
their destructive impulses in larger and more heinous ways. What used to be
"darton," Yiddish for "over there," is now over here, says Rabbi Avi
Weinstein, director of Hillel's Joseph Meyerhoff Center for Jewish Learning
in Washington, D.C.
All parents are asking the same questions: What have we as a society done
to fail our youth? What is triggering such aberrant and nihilistic
behavior, especially among boys (they commit 95 percent of juvenile
homicides)? If aggression is part of the human condition - remember its
portrayal in "West Side Story" and "Rebel Without a Cause" - how can we
channel it into productive and healthy activities?
For Jewish parents, the question is how can Jewish values and tradition
help counter negative influences from popular culture.
The ideals of self-sacrifice, community involvement and a commitment to the
greater good are no longer held up as values in our mainstream culture.
Instead, consumerism predominates, with material success embraced above all
else. Violence and degrading sex are celebrated in the computer and video
games our children play and in the movies all of us watch.
Weinstein says Jewish tradition is rich with values to help parents raise
caring and disciplined children. "The first thing that comes to mind, when
you think of Littleton or anything like that, is from Values of Our Fathers
[Pirkei Avot]," he says. "'Who is among the mighty? The person who conquers
his urges.'"
In understanding there is a "dark side," the Talmud teaches, "you just
don't act on everything you want to do."

The Jewish Mensch?

While the Yiddish term "mensch" is gender-netural and embraces a
life-philosophy of decency, Steven Bayme says it has a special resonance
for males in Jewish culture. Bayme is the national director of Jewish
communal affairs for the American Jewish Committee in New York.
This is a male ideal that "is not about being macho, it's about being very
decent, caring, and nurturing, strongly tied to family." It projects the
positive image of the father as a teacher as opposed to the father strictly
as breadwinner, says Bayme, who visited Atlanta last year to teach a
seminar on Jewish values at Temple Emanu-El.
For Weinstein, the Jewish emphasis on education historically has been an
important counter to mainstream concepts of masculinity. Weinstein recalls
what his mother told him when he was a boy. "'It doesn't matter, you only
have to be big from here to here,'" he says. "She would point from my
eyebrows to the top of my head."
"All males in the Talmudic tradition were encouraged to study, unlike other
religious traditions where only the leaders were encouraged to study," he
says. "We were sharpening our wits while they were sharpening their
blades."
Of course, Jews at this time were stateless so they had no armies in which
to sharpen their blades, notes Weinstein. "But the upside was that we were
very much a non-violent culture."
Despite the non-violent tradition, however, Jews have not escaped the
plague of human aggression.
According to Wendy Lipshutz, coordinator of the Shalom Bayit Program at
Jewish Family and Career Services, domestic violence occurs in Jewish homes
at the same rate as in the community at large. "Abuse involving children
and adults occurs in 20 to 30 percent of Jewish families in the U.S. and
Israel," she says.
And she says that these statistics understate the problem because of
underreporting. "There is so much pervasive denial about abuse in our
homes," she explains. "Once we start to name the program, and rabbis start
to speak about it from the pulpit, people come out of the woodwork."
Lipshutz says that the denial is pervasive because the problems rubs up
uncomfortably against the stereotype of the gentler Jewish male.

Channeling aggression

Judy Wolman is a psychologist who works extensively with Atlanta teens. She
says that there is a tension between the Jewish image of "a more nurturing
male" and mainstream culture. "We don't hold up as the ultimate the
aggressive, football-playing kind of male," she says.
But contemporary Jewish culture has staked out some middle ground. It
embraces physical strength and athletic prowess in the context of organized
sports. The crowded sports leagues at the Atlanta Jewish Community Center
attest to that. So does the scene at Imperatori Karate on Roswell Road.
Owners Joey and Sheldon Imperatori estimate that more than 40 percent of
their clientele is Jewish. It is not unusual to see kippot on the heads of
the boys practicing kicks and punches on their opponents, some of whom are
girls.
Experts welcome the development. Lynn Mandelbaum, supervisor for child and
adolescent services at Jewish Family & Career Services, recommends "the
best thing to do with aggression is to channel it into mastery of one form
or another."
Dahlia Travis, 11, and her brother, Micha, 8, are students at Torah Day
School and study karate at Imperatori. Their mother, Laura Travis, explains
why they practice the martial art. "We do it more for self-confidence" than
anything else, she says. "It encourages the whole concept of self-control
and is a very disciplined form of atheleticism."
Travis said karate is appealing because it is, "very mannerly and
ritualistic and emphasizes rules of how you must treat your opponent with
respect. And you must be very, very respectful to your teacher."

Raising expectations

The bar and bat mitzvah, Judaism's rite of passage into adulthood, remains
the most visible symbol of the community's expectations for membership. The
ceremony sets standards that help develop responsibility and self-respect,
experts agree.
"The process takes kids right at a vulnerable time when they are basically
questioning who they are and they accomplish something" they can take pride
in," says psychologist Wolman.
"They stand up in front of their whole community, and we listen to them, we
acknowledge their competence, and they always succeed. And then they become
a part of the adult community - it's very powerful," she says.
Some local congregations require community service for the bar or bat
mitzvah, using the occasion to reinforce the Jewish value of tikkun olam or
repairing the world.
But there is another widespread local practice has surfaced that is
disturbing. Bar and bat mitzvah celebrants in Atlanta have caused so much
destruction to synagogues, hotels and catering establishments where their
parties are held that most places have instituted a mandatory fee for a
security guard to combat the vandalism.
Says Isserow, "There is so much license within the community to do what you
feel, like the idea that I'm not really responsible, somebody else is
responsible."
Wolman says that kids run wild at bar and bat mitzvah parties because there
is no expectation of appropriate behavior. "We as parents need to up our
expectations sometimes."
Wolman says parents want their children to be happy above all else, but
"maybe that's not enough of a goal." Parents must want their children to be
caring and productive members of society, she says.

Being more involved

The recent shootings have prompted a thunderous call for parents to be more
involved in their children's lives. "We spend too little time with our
kids. I see it at both my kids' schools. ... I sound like Atilla the Hun
here, but I really think that parents have got to exercise this
responsibility."
"I don't care what's on the Internet," Isserow adds. "The question is what
am I allowing my daughter to access... That is our legacy as Jewish
parents, that you have to take responsibility for your actions and for your
children's actions."
Rabbi Ilan Feldman of Congregation Beth Jacob says that many Jewish parents
find it easier to look the other way. "It's easier to assume that inside
those ear phones your son or daughter is listening to Mordechai Ben David
and not a punk rock lyric which talks about gang rape, so you don't act,"
he says.
As for Mandelbaum, she says parents need to take control. "When parents
tell me, 'He spends all his time on the computer,' I say 'He's 6, he didn't
pay for this, you can turn it off.' "

Social responsibility

Mandlebaum says she has found that this generation lacks an awareness of
its responsibility to the greater community.
"The Jewish community does a lot to promote [social action] through youth
groups and Jewish day schools. ... The problem is the popular culture
doesn't support that."
"Altruism and idealism used to be such a hallmark of youth, and I don't see
that now," she says. "We are all such a consumer society," she explains.
"Everybody wants Tommy Hilfiger or Abercromie clothes."
Feldman says that there's nothing wrong with "material" in and of itself.
"The problem with affluence is the emphasis on acquiring it. It ends up
taking on a life of its own and becomes the obsession." He says that when
teens have so much, the materialism has a "numbing" effect.
Weinstein describes the problem as "the worship of the individual." But he
sees Judaism as a powerful countering influence. "It is a family-centered
society, we are responsible to and for other people, you never see yourself
as alone."

Values To Live By
Editor's Note: The following was excerpted from the Bat Mitzvah speech of
Emily Bernstein at Temple Emanu-El on May 22.

The sixth commandment, "Thou Shall Not Kill," relates to modern life in
several ways. Recently there was a school shooting at Columbine High School
in Littleton, Colo. It was a tragic event for all, whether you knew someone
involved or you just heard about it on the news. It was totally senseless
and, most importantly, in direct defiance of this commandment.
Every day there is somebody killed on the news and it just shocks me. God
gave us these commandments so that we could have a standard of measurement
to distinguish between right and wrong and good and evil. God gave us,
Thou Shall Not Kill, for all people and for all time and I think people
have forgotten that.
Inside my school, there is a policewoman. It is kind of scary to have
police with guns in a middle school for students ages 10 to 14... It
appears that to others, killing has become the ultimate thrill, not caring
about the consequences. Perhaps it is because they have not been taught how
precious life really is, or how one individual can make a difference and
that it does not require a massacre to change the world for the better.
I would never kill a human being, nor an animal for that matter, because I
could not live with the guilt that somebody that could have strived and
lived was destroyed because of me. I would not kill because I cherish the
possibilities that life has to offer.
These are the values I believe in, values that are spelled out in the very
basic commandments. These commandments are just as relevant today as in the
days they were written and continue to serve as a map for all of us to live
by. Let us not forget.

What Can Parents Do?

* Be involved with your kids
Lack of parental intervention may have "caused a piece of this horror out
there in Littleton," says Psychologist Judy Wolman.

* Have kids engage in community work and join them.
"Our kids have got to do for other people," says Wolman. "If you go to the Jewish
Home and help somebody play Bingo, it just makes it hard to feel that you are
worthless."  Lynn Mandelbaum, of Jewish Family & Career Services, couldn't
agree more.  "When kids are given the opportunity to serve and do good and
get outside their little predictable world, they love it." JF&CS is working with the
Atlanta Jewish Community Center and the Atlanta Jewish Federation to get a
clearinghouse for teens for volunteer opportunities.
Mandelbaum also stresses the need for parents to model this behavior. "We
need to be out there doing it ourselves, but we end up being so busy
because of our work, and caring for our children, that we don't always make
time for it either," she says.

* Don't ignore bullying
"In every school we've got kids who are being made to feel worthless, and
that's a dangerous thing to have happen," says Wolman. "We have the
responsibility as parents to say that's not acceptable, that you will be
kind to all people."

* Have kids do chores.
Wolman says this is something that eludes modern parents. Even little ones
need to have chores, she says. "If they don't, they don't think they are
important in their family. We want to do for them, we want everybody to be
happy, but it doesn't give them a sense of their vital self worth and their
need in their family."

* Watch the pressure to "succeed"
Steven Bayme, of the American Jewish Committeem, says the Jewish community
is such a "success-oriented culture," Jewish kids who are struggling feel
particular pressure. "Young people who are not doing well, who are
confronting personal failure for whatever reasons, are simply not going to
find themselves at home in the Jewish communal culture. ... The community
ends up shunning them in one form or another."
"Being a Jew in America is like your high school reunion - the only ones
who show up are the ones who have really done well," he says.

* Fight for gun control
Referring to the high school students who committed the recent shootings,
Mandelbaum says, "We are always going to have people like this, and at
least we can curb their means of destruction."

Judaism Grounds Conyers Family

Austin Yeatman's motto for raising teens is to "keep them tired and busy."
His oldest daughter, Dava, 15, lives out the philosophy by being involved
in her school's drama department. "They have plays from the beginning of
the year to the end, so her answer to everything is, 'I can't do that, I
have to go to rehearsal,'" Yeatman says.
The Yeatmans live in Conyers where Dava is a freshman at Salem High School,
in the same district as Heritage High School, where the shootings took
place last week. Their younger daughter, Zena, 13, is in seventh grade at
Memorial Middle School.
Yeatman tried to help his children make some sense of the shootings that
came so close to home. He says he explained to them that the incident was a
random act and they should resist developing a siege mentality. He told
them, "It wasn't premeditated, and it was not something they were going to
have to deal with all the time."
What's strange, he adds, is "that in today's society, [kids] use guns to
vent their anger instead of what we used as kids."
Overall, the family is concerned about negative cultural influences and
works at screening them out. "We don't watch TV very often, and then only
certain things, like PBS and the Learning Channel," Yeatman says. And when
the girls want to see a movie, "they have to clear it with us." The father
says no to R-rated movies, a limit he says the girls had trouble
understanding when they were younger.
"They wanted to watch 'Dirty Dancing' and we said no because they didn't
need to see that kind of adult relationship yet," he explains. "Every kid
should be a kid as long as they possibly can ...You're going to be an adult
for a very long time."
Not living in a Jewish community, the Yeatmans have to work harder to bring
Jewish values into their children's lives.
Yeatman says his wife, Shelley, takes the kids each Sunday to Hebrew school
at Shearith Israel. And since they are kosher, Shelley Yeatman uses that
time to shop for the kosher food that is unavailable closer to home.
"Every Friday we have a Shabbat dinner and go to services out at Oxford
College." Yeatman says. Shelley also has a Hebrew school in her home for
younger kids. Both the Yeatman girls have been bat mitzvahed.
For her part, Dava says that her heroes are Amelia Erhart and Jim Henson,
because "both were pioneers - Erhart as a woman in flight, and Henson in
puppeteering." She says that her exposure to Jewish values, "hasn't hurt,
but I wouldn't say that's the reason why I am who I am." Dava is willing to
concede that "it played a part." And she believes that her observant Jewish
upbringing "gave me a focal point in tying to determine morally what is
right and wrong."
The absence of community support has made it harder for the family to
reinforce the children's Jewish identity. "The girls do not have a lot of
Jewish friends. Everybody elses' Friday night is party night ... everyone
they know is doing something social, and they have to go to schul." Yeatman
says. "I'm very proud of them."